Blue October says it best....

What I wanna say, I cannot find the best words but thankfully my rockstar "boyfriend" Justin Furstenfeld says it best in his song "Should be Loved". (Blue October is the best EVER!!)

********
Stop staring, you're the reason
I feel so unhappy all the time.
I've given you everything
I know how.
You're standing on
the top of my shoe
keeping me from gaining ground.
I'm sorry if you
feel like I let you down.

Can you tell me
what have I done so wrong...to you?
Tell me what am I supposed to do.

I should be loved by you,
that I know is true.
But I can't breathe when you're around!

I should be held at night,
that I know is right.
But I can't breathe when you're around!

You're too scared, scared of it all...
I get that feeling I'm talking to the wall.
Can you hear me at all?
My world was shaking
my mind was quaking,
my heart kept breaking
I threw it against the wall.
Can anyone feel me at all?

Can you tell me
what have I done so wrong... to you?
Tell me what am I supposed to do.
I got a feeling,
you're falling out of love with me.
Tell me who am I supposed to be?

I should be loved by you,
that I know is true.
I can't breathe when you're around!

I should be held
How I should be held.
But I can't breathe when you're around!!
Look I can't breathe!

A long overdue trip to the blog-o-sphere.

So it's been pointed out that I have not blogged in forever. I feel like there is so little and so much to write all at the same time...

My knee has been healing very well. I am walking without aid of a cane or anything (although I have a rocking cane! It is Lucite and often described as "pimping"). I still seem to have a limp, which I try really hard to not have and it's under control unless I am walking fast - not that that happens often - or have been holding my leg bent/straight/still for too long. I am getting stronger at work and can work more than 1 or 2 days in a row without needing to sleep for 3 days to recover. I am also standing for much longer periods of time, I have a stool at work but we've been so crazy busy I haven't been able to use it as much and am handling it pretty well - even Wednesday when I stayed for almost 2 hours after closing trying to get things finished up so I didn't feel bad leaving too much for April to do the next day. It's still hard day-to-day but I know that I am improving and really finally feel like a real full-functioning person again.

Lots of crazy things have been happening with the family: Nikki was laid off at work 2 weeks ago and it has been really hard on her. She was pretty much laid off because her boss decided that she "couldn't work" with Nikki (my personal theory is that Nikki had too many original ideas which intimidated her mediocre *at best* boss). I think the thing that was hardest for Nikki is that none of upper-management supported her, even though she has given her life (usually 60+ hours a week) to them for the last 4 years - this new person came in and wanted her out they just rolled over and let her treat Nikki like crap. I would write more of my feelings here but Nikki will probably be upset I've said so much on something that is publicly visible, but I should get to state my opinion since they have let everyone else put in their 2 cents (as long as it was against Nikki). Nikki just wants to let it go, learn all she can from this betrayal and go on with her life; which she'll be able to do. However her family and loved ones will have a very hard time understanding or forgetting about what has been done to such an amazing woman.

My brother-in-law, Travas, has finally been released to job retraining since he's been on L&I for so long, they have finally accepted how screwed up his back is. Due to the retraining starting in the fall, the Walker family is gonna spend some time in Southern Utah, visiting family and showing the kids where we all came from. I am excited for them but very sad to lose the random visits we get from the kids (and seeing the parents too of course). I love living a block away from them, the kids stop by if they are near our place or if they have something they wanna show us. There are no words to describe how much a hug from one of my favorite kids can fix. Trust me: when you've had a bad day, one of their "ride by huggings" can improve your outlook on life so much!

My brother Travis is also out of work right now due to injury. He needs surgery on his arm due to damage from a car accident. The surgeries are called pronator and supinator release - ya, he needs it on both sides of his forearm. He also has carpel tunnel in his elbow (all in his right arm) and it looks like he needs surgery there too. Poor guy, we get to keep him after all the cancer problems and then his body just breaks down. He's a super tough guy, and it's a good thing he is. His family is doing pretty good, his girls are super active as ever, we even got to go see Alex play a wolf and a dancing fork in her Middle School's production of Beauty and the Beast (Disney's version).

My Daddy is still working, at least until this job is finished, though their hours have been cut back. So with him and me (who'll soon be back full time) working we have a total of 2 people working in my whole family, although Cassie works a couple of days at a chiropractor's office and Adam works occasional shifts doing game testing. There is money still coming in for everybody, but it certainly is a scary time in this world.

There have been some great times too: spending time with family and friends is my favorite thing, and though I haven't been able to do it much it is always the happiest times. I have also been enjoying a lot of music (and expanding horizons when it comes to some music). There is a local band that I have mentioned on here before, Man Without Wax, that I adore! In the last few weeks, I have seen them perform twice (I sadly missed one of their concerts). I hope to see them more this summer...

This Tuesday I will be seeing Rent (with Adam Pascal and Anthony Rapp!!), in a couple of weeks, we're gonna see No Doubt, with Paramour opening for them. We also have tickets to see New Kids on the Block (I know you're jealous!), that same night is the American Idol concert that Mom and Dad are going to and I'm totally sad that I'll miss it, especially seeing my adorable parents at it. I have bought tickets to see Blue October when they are here the end of July, and (I don't care if you call me a square) the tickets are on the balcony at the Moore theatre because I am not a "mosh pit person" even if I wasn't still recovering from a broken knee! I also have tickets to see Wicked when it is here in September (I bought 15 tickets and a few are still unclaimed...). And of course the most exciting thing is the 3rd annual Stephenie Meyer Day in Forks September 13th (Bella's birthday, duh!) I will be going for the 3rd year in a row, it'll be my 5th trip out there, unless I go out there earlier to prove that I am no longer scared of the waves. Hehehe.

I guess if I don't have the Percocet to encourage my blogging I guess my being up in the middle of the night can also help it... I could talk all night but I'm sure most of you haven't held on for this long as it is, so I'll just do more later (hopefully). I love you all, goodnight! <3

Insomnia

I'm sooo tired, but only during the day. I have been struggling to get any sleep the last few weeks, as I have been getting more into habits of regular life again it is not improving the way that I had hoped it would. Being so sick Monday didn't help, though it makes me see how awesome Nikki is. She took care of me and cleaned up after me when I was sick all over.

There are times when I forget how lucky I am, but it doesn't take much to remind me how much I have in my life. My parents are such incredibly amazing people, my family is so great and they have taken such good care of me my whole life, more more recently through my whole rehabilitation process since my accident last December. I also have amazing friends and coworkers, so many amazing people in my life, I don't know what I have done to ever deserve so much but I am very greatful for the amazing gifts that I have been given in this life.

I love you all. G'night! (Hopefully)

Happy anniversary She-La!

Yesterday was the 2 year anniversary of when I bought my beautiful, amazing pickup truck. Her name is She-La (Like She-Ra: Princess of Power; pronounced like Sheila, the Aussie slang for woman - I'm such a geek!), and she is the greatest truck in the world. I have missed her a lot since my accident, which has diminished my driving abilities, but not my love for my amazing truck. I love that she's large but not too big, I can get in with use of my running board but without wishing for a ladder to help me out. (I even can get in with use of my crutches and a lot of arm strength.)

So happy anniversary my dear truck, Mommy loves you!

Favorite quotes from a loooong week

Here are some of the comments made by me or others about me this week in reference to my, er, chemically altered state due to pain medication after surgery - these aren't going to be funny to anyone else, since you are either not altered by chemicals/lack of sleep or might not know the back story (but trust me - I'm hilarious!):

• "What would you do with a drunken sailor?" (Sung to Travis by me"), "what would YOU do with a drunken sailor?" (Travis back to me), "Feed him pancakes! I learned that's a good hangover food from the Gilmore Girls." (Sadly this was my response)
• "Hey Erin, have your crazy pills worn off yet?" (My niece Tiara when seeing me again hours after I tried to tell her about a strange dream I'd had the previous night)
• (Said while looking at my hands) "I need a pedicure!"
• "Wooo! Spinny-winny!" (pretty much each time I stood up)
• Mom said that if she left me alone at night I'd decide I was a rooster and climb on top of the roof. My response: "I'd go and crow at Travis's window, he deserves it!"
• There are plenty of others that I for some reason that I cannot remember. :) However I have been composing more music, songs about how yummy cucumbers with salt are, there's a cat looking in the back door at me, etc.

It's been kinda a rough week, I've been very frustrated with how much pain I'm still in and therefore how much of these hated pain pills I still need to take. My doctor's appointment went well though I did get a lecture about taking my pills because my body can't heal properly when it's in too much pain. I'm not sure that I'm gonna be better as quickly as I was hoping but I'm still holding out hope. My PTSD had been getting better but it somewhat came back as well this week. Plus I realized that I was too busy with worrying about the surgery to celebrate Taylor Lautner's 17th birthday that was on the 11th-the day of my surgery (So happy birthday my dear little jail bait). I did have one day when I got to have some retail therapy, buying some things I needed to buy, and then a couple other little things myself, the retail therapy was unfortunately online, but better than nothing!

Nikki did take a day off work to come and hang with me, it was so nice to see her. It's definitely been hard not seeing her every day, we've lived together for so long that we're so close, it's strange to be apart for any length of time. She's so great, it was nice to see her and just be with her for a bit, I think I really needed that.

Today has been much better; I've stayed awake and coherent a lot longer today than I have since the surgery and I even got to play a game I got for the Wii called Endless Ocean - it was really fun! I do have a bunch of fun pictures from the last week and a half (most of them fuzzy since taken from my phone) that I plan on posting soon. Soon I'll get the pain under control, get physical therapy to fit me in and convince my doctor I can go back to work before the end of March! (I'm not waiting that long, I'll go nuts and I can't do that to my work!)

Love to all.

(I figured out how to do hyperlinks in case you hadn't noticed! Weeee)

Hello from the grasp of the torture device!

So I just finished my 10th hour in the torture device, aka CPM, aka that thingy that moves my knee all day! (The last 5 minutes there was a song about "5 more minutes!") The days are interesting when you are essentially sequestered to one spot for 10 to 12 hours every day. I have apparently been particularly crazy today; maybe it's cabin fever, maybe it's just the pain and the meds are cutting down all my barriers that normally keep the crazy in, who knows. Adam found The Transporter on TV (it was almost as exciting as finding the Goofy Movie on TV, but I made sure that I didn't forget what we were watching during the commercials), my mom says that I sang through the whole thing - when I wasn't giving her a play by play of what was happening, of course. I thought that there had just been some humming but she says that there were words involved, I wish I remember what I was singing about, I'm sure I could have won awards for my music if anyone had written any of it down. Well it's about time for me to take something to get me through the night so I'd better stop before I decide to share everything... G'night all!

Every thing's great here in LaLa Land!

I just took a Percocet about an hour ago and so the draw to blog is pulling me! So I'll do a quick update and try to stay focused and on task: (no promises though)

I had my surgery yesterday and things seem to have gone really well, going into the operating room was so scary, there was this huge table full of torture devices (also known a surgical equipment) and so I just kept my eyes down and then when they had me on the bed I closed my eyes and I think I was out the moment they put the IV in my arm. When I woke up my first thought was "wow that guy's cute", which I think I just thought it but maybe not since he was super nice to me, even more than the female nurses were (and they were all great). It took a while to fully wake up, they gave me a cracker and some water to take a pain pill and I remember telling the lady that it was the best thing I ever tasted! When I was finally awake enough I was wheeled out to my parents (by the cute guy!) and then the nurse and anesthesiologist talked with us one more time then I was wheeled out to my dad's truck while I told the nurse the story of how I'd hurt my knee, I told anyone that would listen yesterday, I also wore my pink "Forks Outfitters" shirt and the shoes I was wearing the day of the accident as a little shout out to what'd happened. :) I know, I'm a nerd!

I am at my parents' place for the next week or so during the most difficult parts of my convalescence, I love being with my parents and they don't seem to mind taking care of me, even when I'm all doped up and super goofy. Speaking of Goofy, The Goofy Movie was on Disney or something last night we saw it was on about half way through and Adam changed to it for me. I was totally enjoying it but am a bit more spacey than normal because I forgot it was on during the commercials so when it came back on I got excited for it all over again!

Today I am very busy lying on my bed while my leg is in a machine that flexes it to get the new ACL (a cadaver Achilles tendon - I'm now part zombie!) stretched out. Today I am at 10% extension and 70% flexion, tomorrow I go down to 0% extension then I get to increase my flextion slowly until I'm at/close to full range of motion. While using the flexing machine I have this really cool pump that continuously brings ice water to a fancy covering on my leg, it feels really nice and soothing on my poor little confused leg. Most people know how stubborn and control freaky I am, and it has been so difficult to not fight against this machine but I'm getting much better, I even am able to ask people to get me things. It's taken 2 months (yesterday was day 60 since "the accident") but I have finally let go of some of my stubborn tendencies and will now let people help me without getting too frustrated with myself for not being able to do it all myself.